I used to document everything I ever did and wrote on my blog over the years, but in the last 2 years I have become very guarded in what I say … I am not sure why that is, but I don't feel like writing my feelings out to be judged by people who don't know me … I also decided to stop paying for a website provider I wasn't even using. I guess I have come to that point in my life where being online having a blog may just have an expiry date, for me …
Being online isn't a big thing for me anymore, when it used to be literally my life. That time in my life, destroyed my actual reality as I became addicted and quite unwell from it. If I feel I need to be online more then living, it really is time to reassess and if bad enough, step away … I have the skills and the knowledge to now know when it is dangerous for me. You only need to step back for a few days or maybe a week or two.
Recharge your batteries.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
meeting the parents ...
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It's the all important meeting the parents scenario. Do I even want to subject the man I am with to this or not? I don't know. I don't know if it's the right time, but when is it the right time? My Mother is like a child in adult skin. If I bring this up, she will jump at it to judge and have her say. That's enough to give anyone an anxiety attack … We have been at loggerheads which isn't abnormal. We clash, quite simply she shits me. Treats me like a child … she never used to be so negative. There is a reason for this, but that's for another time …
I have just realised I have not been in a relationship since 2009, that's a long time. The last relationship I had was with a narcissistic sociopath. I was abused mentally and physically. He tried to beat me down until there was nothing left, but he did not succeed. He tried though … even to this day he still tests the water to see if I will bite! and every time, I knock him back … he doesn't like to be told no. No is all I have to say to him … or I simply ignore his attempts of contact … He actually scares me now, and I never thought that would happen, not in a million years … I thought we would get married, I really did.
I am still haunted by him … I guess a part of me always will be.
Life for me, right now is very complex. I am at a standstill, not really knowing where I fit in … I asked the question, "what is the point of living, if we are only going to die anyway …" People thought I was suicidal. I can safely say I am not. I was curious and I still am. I don't see the point in why we should strive to be our best when we are going to end up as ashes anyway. It just seems like a waste of time to me. The Meaning of life, just seems redundant.
If I was told I was going to die tomorrow I would be ok with that. I have travelled, I have owned my own home, I have been married, I have a University Degree. I have done so much more then other people have.
I have been blessed.
I have just realised I have not been in a relationship since 2009, that's a long time. The last relationship I had was with a narcissistic sociopath. I was abused mentally and physically. He tried to beat me down until there was nothing left, but he did not succeed. He tried though … even to this day he still tests the water to see if I will bite! and every time, I knock him back … he doesn't like to be told no. No is all I have to say to him … or I simply ignore his attempts of contact … He actually scares me now, and I never thought that would happen, not in a million years … I thought we would get married, I really did.
I am still haunted by him … I guess a part of me always will be.
Life for me, right now is very complex. I am at a standstill, not really knowing where I fit in … I asked the question, "what is the point of living, if we are only going to die anyway …" People thought I was suicidal. I can safely say I am not. I was curious and I still am. I don't see the point in why we should strive to be our best when we are going to end up as ashes anyway. It just seems like a waste of time to me. The Meaning of life, just seems redundant.
If I was told I was going to die tomorrow I would be ok with that. I have travelled, I have owned my own home, I have been married, I have a University Degree. I have done so much more then other people have.
I have been blessed.
Still Not Happy With My Site Look
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Or it could be, I am just not well at the moment. so I am more fussier then normal … I will see how I feel in a few days. All I know is it has been a while since I have blogged, and I am not sure how often I will blog, or how long I will be around for. I just know I need to write how I am feeling. I may still always do that, but I may not have an audience. Time will tell …
You know what's even stupider?
I have a website I don't even use and I am paying for it each month, and I have had it for over a year. I probably should cancel it, and stick to the free sites for a while … Or maybe keep it, and really work out what I want to do with it … I still want the domain name though … I like that domain, it's me … See why I need to write about what I am thinking?? It's so jumbled up my thoughts and feelings. I feel like sometimes they are inter lapping. But anyway enough of that, I am back, for now … And a LOT has been going on.
Hence why I needed to blog again.
Some of it is good stuff, and some of it is REALLY shitty. Like a roller coaster … Sometimes I want to sleep for months, like a bear and wake up and life is cool again, smooth sailing, but as humans, we don't get that luxury of sleeping and hibernating over the winter, hell, waking up at any time after a few months hibernating … How dare we want that???
I don't know about anyone else, but I really struggle writing a blog when starting again … I lose interest so easily. And that goes with people and relationships. I lose interest and look for something new. That's shocking to admit, but it's the truth. And the really silly thing about it is, I hate change. Can't handle change.
BUT
I am seeing someone who may have me questioning my track record in relationships. You know how they say you know, well, the other night we were talking and he said he'd never felt this way about a woman before. And I thought about it myself when I was by myself … Time will tell as this is only new even though we have known each other since July of 2014. And we have liked each other since the day we met. But now, we are getting real here. And it feels pretty awesome to have someone like you as much as you like them, maybe even a bit more then you do …
You know what's even stupider?
I have a website I don't even use and I am paying for it each month, and I have had it for over a year. I probably should cancel it, and stick to the free sites for a while … Or maybe keep it, and really work out what I want to do with it … I still want the domain name though … I like that domain, it's me … See why I need to write about what I am thinking?? It's so jumbled up my thoughts and feelings. I feel like sometimes they are inter lapping. But anyway enough of that, I am back, for now … And a LOT has been going on.
Hence why I needed to blog again.
Some of it is good stuff, and some of it is REALLY shitty. Like a roller coaster … Sometimes I want to sleep for months, like a bear and wake up and life is cool again, smooth sailing, but as humans, we don't get that luxury of sleeping and hibernating over the winter, hell, waking up at any time after a few months hibernating … How dare we want that???
I don't know about anyone else, but I really struggle writing a blog when starting again … I lose interest so easily. And that goes with people and relationships. I lose interest and look for something new. That's shocking to admit, but it's the truth. And the really silly thing about it is, I hate change. Can't handle change.
BUT
I am seeing someone who may have me questioning my track record in relationships. You know how they say you know, well, the other night we were talking and he said he'd never felt this way about a woman before. And I thought about it myself when I was by myself … Time will tell as this is only new even though we have known each other since July of 2014. And we have liked each other since the day we met. But now, we are getting real here. And it feels pretty awesome to have someone like you as much as you like them, maybe even a bit more then you do …
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